Family Matters

• Family Matters  ( 1 items )
  

   The Clueless Spouse Suffers Separation Anxiety Keeping in Touch with your Spouse When You’re Far Away Pt. 2

  In our last installment we stated that geographical distance imparts immigrants’ lives by creating physical and emotional issues. Often the immigrant has to deal with the emotional hurt of temporary but long-term separation from loved ones. This pain of separation is almost always more difficult for the spouse who remains than the one who travels to America. The reason for this is that the spouse who travels to America has one clear goal to fulfill and that is: "to make it". The minute he or she lands, this goal becomes a constant driving force for every decision and action. Quickly the immigrant in America comes to the realization that he or she has to work hard in order to survive and succeed.

  But the spouse who stays back in their home country is often clueless about the struggles that are part of the American immigrant experience. He or she might have heard some things, but cannot comprehend the magnitude of what it takes to make it in America. Consequently this spouse suffers from a type of "separation anxiety", and will manifest several of its symptoms. Separation anxiety is often manifested in:

  • Feelings of apprehension – Missing the spouse’s presence and constantly wondering how the other spouse is doing
  • Depression- Taking on the new dual role and the responsibilities of being both parents and not knowing how long it will last can cause depression.
  • Fear– Particularly the fear of not knowing if the other spouse will live up to his/her promise to support the family or something "bad" happening to the spouse.
  • Worry – Wondering if the separation was a good choice for the family and worrying about what the future will bring.
  • Jealousy – Feeling threatened by real or imaginary competition in America and fear of the other spouse breaking the marriage vow.

   

  For the spouse back home this "separation anxiety" caused by the absence of the migrating partner often leads to feelings of emotional distance. It seems as if you both start growing apart. It is as if you do not share the same things anymore and it causes an emotional gap in your relationship. For wives and husbands there is always that hanging fear of other "secret and arranged" marriages in America to get legal papers. Or there is always that nagging fear that the spouse who remains home is seeking comfort in someone else’s arms.

  There is no doubt that physical distances can impart your marriage. Here are six practical tips that the immigrant spouse, can implement to help cover this distance.

  Keep in constant communication – Set appointed dates and times to call home. Make sure that your spouse has all your contact information in America, so that he or she knows where and how to reach you in case of emergency. Get an e-mail account, encourage your spouse to get one too. Write notes and letters to your spouse. Let your spouse feel your presence despite the physical distance.

  When in contact listen and inquire – Whenever you call your spouse always listen to his or her accounts of what is going with them or the family. Never interrupt, act impatient or disinterested. Give your full undivided attention. Ask questions and inquire about your spouse, the family, the children, friends. When he or she tells you about an event or activity be sure to get details. Listen carefully and follow up on how things turn out on a later date. Your goal is to show that you remain interested in the affairs of the family.

  Share the details of your life – Let your spouse know about your daily encounters in America, your struggles, your joy and new opportunities. Tell your spouse about your new life here. Provide all the details, paint pictures in his or her mind. Tell them that you wish that they could go to church, the park, and the mall with you and experience the same thing as you. This assures them that they are still a real part of your new life.

  Let your spouse know that he or she is missed - Make sure to tell your spouse how important he or she is to you. Tell him or her how you miss being with them. You can never express this too many times. It is important for him or her to hear that you still think about them. Verbalize your feelings clearly.

  Let your spouse know that he or she is loved - No communication should end without you expressing your love and appreciation for your spouse. Let your spouse know how proud and appreciative you are that they are taking care of family affairs while you are away. Besides providing financial support for the family, your tangible expressions of love provide reassurance and help to keep the flame of love alive and burning.

  Pray for and with your spouse - Take the time to pray with your spouse during phone calls. Also pray for your spouse and children privately. Ask God to put a hedge of protection around them and to order their steps. Prayer is the key to keeping families united.

  In our next installment: "How to keep your Family United in America."

  Norka Blackman-Richards is an adjunct lecturer for CUNY. She is a writer, minister’s wife, and a women empowerment speaker. Norka is the president and founder of 4 Real Women International, Inc. You may visit her site at www.4realwomen.com